It's not just Santa Carla that has a vampire infestation problem, an issue that we were notably warned about in The Lost Boys. No, the problem is all the damn vampires… period! They're everywhere! They crept out of Eastern European folklore a thousand years ago to spread across the world and even into the far reaches of outer space! Mario Bava's Planet of the Vampires had 'em, although they were the more ethereal, body-inhabiting type. Technically, I guess they were more a "terror in space" if the original Italian title is to be believed, but I was born in New Jersey, and my DVD says "vampires."
But ok, how about Queen of Blood, wherein a message from another planet lures a group of astronauts (including dual thirty-year-olds John Saxon and Dennis Hopper) who transport a mute alien woman back to Earth, only to discover along the way that she needs to feed on their blood to survive! She even lays eggs! I know that egg-laying doesn't sound very vampire-ish, necessarily, but she sucks blood. In my book, that means vampire. And the film tells us this all takes place in 1990, evidenced by all the domed cities!
You think they'd be on the lookout for this kind of thing by 1990 because, in 1987, Tobe Hooper's Lifeforce warned us about Mathilda May setting off a vampire apocalypse, spending the better part of two hours or so strolling naked around London, sucking everyone's titular lifeforce out. That's what I call an energy vampire, Colin Robinson!
We can even fast forward a couple of centuries when Star Trek gave us the salt-sucking type of vampire in its very first aired episode, "The Man Trap."
Salt, energy, blood… vampires, if you'll excuse the lousy pun, just suck. And they keep sucking and sucking, and no one ever listens or learns anything. Which is why we can go even further into the future, into the 2490s, in fact, and drop into "Space Vampire," a mid-season-one episode of the 1979-1980 television series Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.
As the story opens, our two main protagonists, Captain William "Buck" Rogers and Colonel Wilma Deering (played by Gil Gerard and Erin Gray, respectively), pop out of a stargate (a way to fast-travel around the galaxy) in their little shuttle, on the way to Theta Station, where they will deliver their robot (or "ambuquad", if you will) and Mel-Blanc-voiced comic relief, Twiki, to get a control disk or something of the sort repaired. Something they apparently, and shockingly, if you think about it, can't get done on Earth in New Chicago?
Not long after arriving and being greeted by the station's Commander Royko, our heroes get the first sign of trouble. Another ship, a freighter, has emerged from the stargate. It's not slowing down and is on a collision course with the station! After impact, we get some hand-waiving mumbo jumbo about a localized containment field or something as the reason everyone in the station isn't being sucked into the cold vacuum of space or, at least, suffocating to death.
Everyone heads to the crash site to inspect the damage, and they find that the entire crew of the thirty-year-old freighter is dead! It's a proper ghost ship, and yes, it's even called "The Demeter." After the episode's title, I suppose this counts as subtlety.
But still, everyone is dead, and the reason is still undetermined (by the characters in the show. Those of us watching at home are already yelling at the screen). Fearing viral contamination, Commander Royko orders a quarantine (see how easy that is?), which puts the kibosh on Buck and Wilma's plans to drop off Twiki and head out for a (we'll assume) well-earned vacation. Space bummer. Exacerbating things is Wilma's growing sensation of "the creeps", which started soon after exploring The Demeter. We at home, however, saw the superimposed red blob floating around, watching her, even before the shot switched to the red blob's POV as it peeped at Wilma through a rose-colored filter (Spectrum-X style… any Horror of the Blood Monsters fans out there?), and we knew what was up. Your "creeps" are warranted, Wilma, but alas, don't expect anyone to take you seriously.
Even though Buck and Wilma really only visited the station to drop off their robot, now that there's an incident, they're fully involved in the investigation. They soon learn from The Demeter's log that the captain thought the crew to be suffering from a virus known as EL-7, which can cause hallucinations, as they each claimed to be menaced by some kind of creature before their death.
Buck is the first to suspect something other than a virus is going on here. He's a man out of time, after all, and brings with him some funny 20th-century ideas. He visits Dr. Ecbar in the sickbay, who informs Buck that The Demeter's crew are not completely dead (cue the Monty Python routines) but are simply inert, their life force (uh-oh!) drained. He then shows Buck two strange discolorations on either side of each victim's throat, which, to my raised-Catholic eyes, look like that familiar smudge we'd all have on our foreheads every Ash Wednesday. Buck zeroes in on "energy vampire" as a plausible explanation in record time. Sure.
So, with their holiday plans dashed, everyone placed under quarantine, and all talk of energy vampires seemingly forgotten, what is there to do but get a drink? Buck and Wilma head to the station's bar, which is very crowded, I might add. I wondered why, when they were two of the few people on board the derelict, potentially-deadly-virus-carrying ship, no one thinks anything of them strolling around the space station and taking in some refreshments in a very well-populated establishment. I guess it doesn't get any better 500 years from now, folks.
As Buck goes to get the drinks, he leaves Wilma alone at the table, and we see the familiar red blob float across the ceiling and over to the opposite side of the room. Then, the big moment… it transforms into the "space vampire" promised in the title.
I realize that, until now, you might be thinking to yourself, "What is this, Starlog.com?" No, friends, while I admit the topic has been space-heavy, is space not the very place where no one can hear you scream? I told you I would help you "Find the Fear," and I plan to do just that. Or, at least, remember the fear. Is it not in our childhood memories where the most fantastically terrifying imagery and experiences reside? I invite you to part the folds in my gray matter and peer inside as we re-experience, together, the sheer, unadulterated terror I experienced as I, a fresh-faced, nine-year-old boy, witnessed the red blob on screen manifest into the Vorvon, as we would come to learn is the proper nomenclature for this type of space sucker. I cannot understate the height of panicked fear I felt as I stared, unblinking, at the screen, even as I stood, ready to flee the room if I felt I would be overcome. I mean, I kept watching… it was TV. But, I'm telling you, it was scary!
Scary only to my nine-year-old self and others like me, I admit. Looking at the Vorvon through any lens other than childhood innocence reveals the utter ridiculousness of this creature design. Part heiney-headed Talosian from Star Trek (on what looked to be an even lower budget) complete with thick, blue, cranial vein, part bizarre, fly-pod amalgamation of Klaus Nomi and Suzy Quatro with pointed ears (on the top AND bottom) and what has to be the defining feature: a positively epic unibrow that I'm certain even Oscar the Grouch would tell him to shave! Truly, this is the stuff of nightmares!
And while I acknowledge how incredibly silly the Vorvon looks to me now (in my jaded, wizened state), I implore you once again to try to understand the inversely proportionate terror I felt as a young'un when this character materialized in that space nightclub. To put it bluntly (if figuratively), it scared seven shades of crap out of me.
Anyway, back to the action. The Vorvon doesn't do anything but stare menacingly at Wilma and no one else really seems to notice him. But Wilma is left shivering and spooked. And Buck, again, despite coming up with the threat of an energy vampire as a distinct possibility, thinks she just needs some rest or something.
But the bad news just keeps coming. Dr. Ecbar is found dead in his sick bay. And during an expository video call with their boss, Dr. Huer, back in New Chicago, Buck and Wilma learn some pertinent information about one of the passengers aboard The Demeter… someone by the name of… get ready for this… "Helsen." Close enough!
It seems Helsen was a bounty hunter specializing in tracking alien fugitives, but he wasn't always this way. It seems he only followed that path after his wife and children were killed under mysterious circumstances, and he blamed a creature called… you guessed it… a Vorvon!
After viewing the video footage from Helsen's "drone" (everyone gets tied in knots trying to say "droid" without saying "droid" in these things), wherein he is seen fighting an invisible enemy in a bit of stage self-combat on a level I wouldn't see again until the lead singer's pantomime during the guitar solo in this Thor video.
Buck goes to check out van Helsi… er, Helsen's… quarters on board The Demeter, and he picks up a small amulet the obsessed alien hunter must have dropped in the videoed tussle. Upon exiting the ship, Buck is confronted by the now-reanimated corpse of Dr. Ecbar! And he brought his friends… the entire undead crew of The Demeter, along with the heiney-headed honcho, the Vorvon (they never give him a name, unfortunately… or a royal title. He's not Count Vorvon or anything. Sad.)
The Vorvon is about to drain Buck's life energy as we now learn his style and an explanation for those smudges on the victims' throats. He makes a version of Dio's devil horns with his fingers and slowly approaches Buck to place them on his neck for the draining (why does the Vorvon have fangs, though? Hm.) Buck touches him with the amulet he found, which we learn acts like a crucifix or maybe some silver, and the Vorvon reels away in pain. Buck then delivers a little 20th Century ass-kicking to the others and manages to pull a nearby alarm, which, for unknown reasons, causes the rest of the undead to disperse.
We soon learn that the only person who can see the Vorvon is its intended victim, which explains why no one else reacts to the Vorvon's presence or why it can't be seen on any of the video recordings. Despite all this, Commander Royko still thinks it's just the hallucinatory effects of EL-7, and after a couple of other uncomfortable incidents in the space station hallways, he confines Buck and Wilma to their individual quarters.
Wilma, now cornered by the Vorvon, agrees to be drained by him in order to leave everyone else alone. The Vorvon assures her that after he drains her, he won't need anyone else for a very long time, and I guess he seems like an honest guy, so… Wilma becomes a space thrall. She then attempts to drain Buck, but after failing, she rejoins the Vorvon, who I guess was cool with adding Buck to their coterie, but no matter… they head for the shuttle in which Wilma and Buck arrived at Theta Station intending to ride off into the, uh, sunset.
Maybe that's not exactly what they intended, but that's what happened. Apparently, Buck, the smarty, sabotaged the shuttle's controls or navigation or something, and they find themselves heading directly into the nearest star. The Vorvon starts freaking out, energy bolts playing about his body as the power of the star (a sun, after all, and we know what effect they have on vampires) brings about his annihilation. With the Vorvon's spell weakening, Wilma has enough time to hop in an escape pod and get back to the station.
To wrap things up, we learn that once the Vorvon was destroyed, all of his victims were restored — Wilma, Dr. Ecbar, and presumably the crew of The Demeter, who now have thirty missing years to contend with. I was also left wondering if that means Helsen is alive again and what about his wife and children who were killed by the Vorvon? Were they interred? Best not to think too much more about it.
So, happy ending? Sure, why not?
As we explore the horror bonafides of some of the cast and crew, we really don't find much from our two leads, but Commander Royko, played by Christopher Stone, should be recognizable to anyone who has seen The Howling or Cujo. Lincoln Kilpatrick, who played Dr. Ecbar here, appeared in The Omega Man and Piranha.
Glen A. Larson was credited for writing, but I suspect that was only because he created the show. Although, the derivative elements of the story might betray his involvement. Larson was notorious for stealing other scripts, and the writer Harlan Ellison, not known for pulling punches either figuratively or literally, famously dubbed him Glen Larceny. Still, I tend to believe it was primarily written by Kathleen Barnes and Leslie Stevens, who directed the William Shanter-starring, Esperanto language film The Incubus!
But the more obscure figure here was inside the Twiki costume. While the famous Mel Blanc, of Bugs Bunny fame, was the very recognizable voice of the "ambiquad", the actor in the suit for most of the show's run was Felix Silla, who you probably know as Cousin Itt on the original Addams Family series and seemingly a million other roles, including one of the aforementioned Talosians in Star Trek. However, for this episode, and only a few others, the actor in the Twiki costume was actually Patty Maloney. Patty's resume also included a creature in the original Don't Be Afraid of the Dark TV movie (along with Felix Silla). She was also a puppeteer for the Crypt Keeper on the Tales From the Crypt series, and perhaps most horrifically, she played Chewbacca's son Lumpy in the vomitous Star Wars Holiday Special from 1978.
Until next time, readers, keep finding the fear wherever it lies… even in the dark, interstellar reaches of outer spaaaaace!
